PoetShed Scribbles. Thoughts. Ideas.

DIY Love-Making

For DIY love-making you will need two people, a giver (usually male) and a receiver (usually female). You will also need some overalls and a toolbox, some hot-water, teabags, milk and a packet of biscuits.

Firstly, a desire for DIY love-making must be identified. This usually happens when a bookshelf breaks or a bulb needs changing or even a computer needs repairing. You will then need to consult the Karma Sutra of the DIY love-making world, and that is The Ultimate Guide to Home Repair and Improvement which is available on Amazon.

For this article I would like to use the classic, Ikea Single Bed Assemblage technique as an example. I could have chosen the ever popular, My Printer is Not Working approach but the tools required for such a task are minimal and if the ink cartridges are replaced quickly it can all be over in a matter of seconds leaving both the receiver (woman) and the giver (man) feeling a little cheated.

Once the appropriate pages of the DIY manual have been consulted, the giver will begin the project by laying out the tools he requires for the task. This slow and meticulous foreplay will excite the receiver enough for her to offer to make the giver a cup of tea. The tea must be drunk quickly so that the momentum is not lost and the tools have to be laid out again.

Removing all protective packaging from the bed (or whatever you are assembling), will start to heat-up the proceedings and when the naked limbs of the bed are laying out and exposed on the floor, the receiver will shout out: ‘my God I didn’t think it was that big.’

Now that the serious work is to begin, the receiver will place several biscuits on a plate and watch as the giver consumes them. This offering of nutrients will provide the giver with the energy required to make it to the end.

During assemblage the giver may swear several times. He will do this if he accidentally puts things in wrong places or screws things in awkwardly. When this occurs the giver will need to back-track on his efforts. This can be frustrating and the receiver may be worried that the giver is going to give up. The receiver will therefore need to speak words of reassurance to the giver. Such words might be: ‘that’s okay it happens to most men.’ The receiver should avoid saying things like: ‘I don’t think that goes in there.’ This will likely embarrass the giver and he may then need to go back to the biscuit stage.

If the giver is flagging and the receiver is worried that the job is never going to be finished, the words: ‘gosh, that looks hard,’ should be whispered into the giver’s ear and this will usually bring the project to its climax.

I hope you have found this short article on DIY love-making a useful guide for any future projects you may have. Remember, you are never too old to enjoy DIY and to use your toolbox effectively. With a little patience all projects can become an enjoyable experience for both partners.


About Stephen

Stephen R K Fender

I enjoy experimental writing. I do not see myself ever fitting in with, and following, the standard literary route. I am a creative writer which means I like to experiment with words, styles and platforms.

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